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Before I forget

Recently, I was going through all my writings from this past year. My original idea was to find one passage (on this huge Google doc where I keep my personal writings) and post it here as a fun way to celebrate 2019's close. But, as I looked, I realized there wasn't one, independent entry I favored. What did stand out to me were parts of my writings: sentences, paragraphs, or sections of poems. So, completely unsure if this format will yield any effect, I am going to share with you some of my favorite sentences of 2019... out of context... in no particular order. These words meant the most to me for what I experienced this last year, and, even in the extremely abridged state of these entires, my hope is that something here will resonate with you as well.


"I believe it is this beauty that is the deepest; that which is handled with ignorance - not forced, but truly unacknowledged."


"The hardest part is that I know it will run out... I won’t be able to sustain what I’ve provided anymore once I’ve given up all I have."


"You don’t continue to chase what you know will end."


"I don’t know how to fix us, because I can’t fix them."


"It is more often that I am saddened by what is not said... I am more burdened by the silence that passes in place of an apology."


"I will not apologize for someone else's immaturity."


"Listen closely.

Look in front of you.

Because I’m saying that I’m sorry.

For all the worth I sapped you of,

And nights I’ve kept you up when it wasn’t my stomach hurting."


"Maybe trying will amount to nothing. Maybe all the images I see of myself living that life dissipate back into the force that precipitates dreams. Maybe. The bottom line is that I cannot know this without trying."


"A voice speaks to me that isn’t mine. I wouldn’t feel this way if I was satisfied."


"There is something about driving that makes it feel like you’re really leaving the past behind."


"I am not far away enough to reap the rewards of this change, but I’m going to ensure that I do reap this time."


"The less I hold onto from my past, the blanker my future becomes; more open, prepared for whatever colors and shapes I fill it with... It is unnatural. It had to be this year that all of my ropes became tangled and my barricades collapsed in perfect harmony, so I could spoon feed myself every lesson I refused to eat through my teens."


"You can write about change before the transformation is finished, but the half-baked metacognition will affect the outcome."


"I often wonder if my life hasn’t started yet."


"The more I think, the more I realize I don’t know anything."


"So, it’s ok to feel weird, because it is ok to be me. It’s my only choice."


"I am only a piece from that glass

I’m sorry you didn’t realize

I was only half full before I broke

Though it would have made no difference

Because half or full, I will always want a different glass"


"It feels like I’ve been through so much and been so many people. In reality, I’ve done little and have been one person, but it’s that feeling that matters: the feeling of growth."


"There are some people that stop you in your tracks when you remember them...Your imagination will never cease to continue the narrative you cannot believe is wrong. Nothing has changed."


"I have only spliced images and no potency. I am weird right now. This is going nowhere linear, but I need this. Sometimes, like right now, I feel wild. I feel like there are too many thoughts that I can’t catch and address any of them. It’s like there are multiple music festivals going on 10 miles apart from each other, and I’m right in the middle of them; hearing all the noise, but completely unable to discern a single song or even a lyric. Everything is simply loud....

Maybe that’s why I feel wild now. Because my wound, my real wound, is wide open and uncovered. And I must deal with it. I must remove whatever is inside still digging and infecting, and then seal up before anything else gets in. I’m not weird or irregular. I’m unf*cking myself."


Hopefully 2020 grants me some better ideas, oh well!

Sincerely,

Accalia



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